For me, this pandemic has helped me see what’s really important in my life, which is my relationships. It has also helped me realize that I haven’t been paying enough attention to them. Two of those relationships have been greatly neglected, my marriage and the relationship I have with myself. Both of these are affected by one pivotal belief, the belief that I’m not good enough. This belief started when I was a young child, and it has been my primary hurdle to overcome throughout my life. Almost everyone has something like this to overcome, and transcending it will lead to your salvation. The lack of love I have for myself has led to a lack of self-confidence, playing the victim role, the need to control things, and it has had a damaging affect on all my relationships.
Self hatred is at the core of the ego‘s story for me, and as a consequence, that story has created the operating system that I live my life by. It’s behind everything that I say and do. It’s why I play the victim, try to control what can’t be controlled, search for validation that I’m okay in things that I acquire or achieve, it creates venom for others that I feel inadequate towards, and it leaves me in a space where I have little faith in a higher power that is running the show and taking care of me. Consequently I feel frightened, alone, powerless, and inadequate.
Of course this operating system is stronger at different times in my life, but I have become aware that it never really leaves me, and therefore, it always affects my life negatively to some degree or another.
The key to transcending this operating system is to first recognize and accept that it’s there. Stop running from it or distracting yourself from its influence. Own it! At first, just simply be with the knowledge that it exists. It will be uncomfortable, especially as you see the consequences of choosing it, but just be patient and let the awareness of it sink in. As you do, be kind to yourself. Try not to judge yourself harshly, this will only make you run from the awareness again.
Eventually, as you see the entirety of its affect on your life, you may decide to change it. By taking responsibility for all of it, you will empower yourself to make the changes you desire.
For me, I needed to realize that I was okay. As I began to love and respect myself, I became a more loving person to others. This was especially true in my marriage. I took for granted the kindness and patience my wife had for me while I operated unconsciously following the Ego‘s desires. This has taken a great toll on our relationship. I sometimes feel she must be a saint to put up with my crap! After 23 years of marriage she certainly deserves better.
When one is operating unconsciously, you are not present. Manipulating and trying to control the situation, in an effort to achieve the ego’s desires, leaves you somewhere else. Notice how the attachment to thoughts in your mind distract you from being present. Pull your energy back and try to pay attention to the present moment. This will help you stay consciously rooted in the here and now which keeps you empowered.
The only thing we can control is how we react to the present moment. So if you’re lost in thoughts that distract you from reality, your experience of life will be greatly diminished. Happiness, peace, and contentment come when you are fully present. As a result all of your relationships, especially the relationship with yourself, will dramatically improve!